5 Ways White Supremacy Culture Has Destroyed Your Self-Worth
There is a crisis in our society that we aren’t talking about. I call it the never-enough crisis. We are a society of humans walking around believing that we are not good enough. And we’ve normalized it. We think constant comparison traps, clout chasing, self-doubt, body-hating, mind-racing, perfection-obsessed, and never-not-busy lifestyles are not only acceptable, but something to be lauded, encouraged, and celebrated. We fool ourselves into thinking we are the only ones deep in the unworthiness battle, while simultaneously seeing the collective struggle of those around us and using that collectiveness as an excuse to normalize the culture rather than challenge it. Or, we pretend this unworthiness doesn’t exist as we sink deeper into the quicksand of this culture. The deceit of this battle is one of our society's greaest tricks — teaching us from our earliest development that worthiness is earned, convincing us to spend a lifetime chasing it, and conditioning us that it’s normal so that we don’t believe it’s a problem.
Those who do challenge the culture have yet to call out the root of this problem. We are quick to yell out terms like patriarchy, ableism, and misogyny without asking ourselves how we have curated such a culture in the first place. We act as though it is a coincidence that we’ve ended up here — as if culture develops out of thin air rather than as a result of careful societal and institutional planning from leaders and industries over the generations.
That’s not how it works. It is not a coincidence that we are a society of humans walking around in a worthiness-chasing daze. Our society has destroyed our self-worth, convinced us that it’s our fault we don’t feel worthy, and has brainwashed us into normalizing toxic traits and behaviors in order to “earn that worthiness.” I’m here to help you uncover the ways society has destroyed your self-worth that you may not be aware of, understand how it happened, and help you win the battle with your self-worth once and for all. Oh, and once you’ve done that, you can help me work to dismantle the oppressive systems that are decimating our humanity for good. But, the work starts with you.
Before we begin, it’s important to note that each of these traits listed below will show up a bit differently for everyone depending on what intersectionalities you sit between in society. And for the sake of length, I won’t be able to explain every way each of these traits may show up for you depending on that intersectionality. My book, We’ll All Be Free, helps you uncover every way unworthiness is showing up in your life and how that is directly rooted in white supremacy. So, if this article speaks to you, my book is the next best place to continue this journey.
Sneaky ways unworthiness is dominating your life (that white supremacy culture has normalized)
Perfectionism
At this point, perfectionism might feel like a cliché. Everyone is claiming the “recovering perfectionist” title these days. We all seem to be collectively reminding ourselves that we’re allowed to be flawed, that done is better than perfect, and that the journey is more important than the destination. We’ve seen these quotes all over social media that make us feel seen and give us that split-second hit of dopamine. “Ah, someone understands me,” we think to ourselves. “Oh yeah, that’s me! I’m a recovering perfectionist, too!” we exclaim in the comment section of the post.
We confuse identifying with the persona on social media, and the few seconds of thought we have about vowing to make changes, with actually solving the problem with perfectionism. We read the multitude of comments from others expressing their similar difficulties, and we twist that relation with normalcy. That normalcy, then, gives us silent permission to continue engaging with that perfectionism. It’s a vicious cycle.
Our addiction to and battle with perfectionism as a society is not a coincidence. This culture has built up over time from the systems of oppression our society was built on. Our modern world was built on an oppressive human hierarchy and relies on maintaining that hierarchy to function. This hierarchy was founded on the idea that Blackness is the lowest tier of humanity and whiteness is the top tier. To ensure the supremacy of whiteness, characteristics such as perfection have been attached to it and then sold as a morally superior way to be human. As a result, we all exhaust ourselves believing that perfection is the way to prove our moral superiority and our worth, not realizing that perfection is not only impossible, but the antithesis to humanity. Humans are not meant to operate as robots. Humans were not created to feel shame for the very human traits that make us the complex, beautiful beings that we are.
People pleasing
Another big one. This one impacts each of us differently and shows up differently. Not only can people pleasing be harmful to our self-worth, but it can be used to cause harm to others depending on your hierarchal position in society. (It should be noted that the same is true for all of these traits. For example, a white man with power and belief in the superiority of whiteness will typically demand greater perfection from a Black person, especially a Black woman, and then degrade him/her when he believes that perfection hasn’t been attained. That same white man with power will demand less from someone he considers his equal, i.e. another white man, and allow his mediocrity to pass for perfectionism while diminishing excellence that surpasses that white man’s mediocrity when it comes from a Black person.)
Most of us have been taught to base our worth on pleasing others at all times. We are conditioned to feel ashamed for saying, “no,” and choosing our needs over someone else’s. White men, however, are taught that their needs are of the utmost importance and that society should bend over backward to stroke the white man’s ego. We witness white men (and white women, but more on that later) throwing temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. Our society was built on the ideal that God created whiteness to be pleased and that the rest of the melanated world was created to do just that. So, most BIPOC have been taught to please whiteness at all costs through assimilation, being overly agreeable, code-switching, and just plain people-pleasing. Over time, both sides of the people-pleasing aisle have morphed into a culture of obsessive people-pleasing regardless of intersection. Those who believe they are entitled to be pleased at all times can still develop the habit of people-pleasing to further manipulate the people they are pleasing into pleasing them. (Whew, try saying that 5x fast.) Those who believe they must people-please to survive their position in society and prove their worth become so consumed with people-pleasing that it becomes their identity. Some of us fall somewhere along this spectrum; believing that a “morally good” person is someone who places the needs of others before their own and that our worthiness meter is based on us doing so.
Obsessing over titles, status, and money
We can thank the capitalist engine that powers our white supremacist machine-of-a-society for this one. I explain this phenomenon further in my book, We’ll All Be Free: How a Culture of White Supremacy Devalues Us and How We Can Reclaim Our True Worth.
I’ll keep this short. If you are so wrapped up in your career that it has become your identity, you are fighting a battle with self-worth. Our society has conditioned us that our worthiness lies solely in our ability to produce at all times, and the weight of that worthiness is contingent upon our socio-economic status, which depends on our career and wealth status. This culture becomes idealized and idolized in the workplace. Your hustle and grind is applauded. The more “on” you are at all times, the more you are lauded and the more your labor is simultaneously exploited. I could go on, and I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir. This is nothing new.
We know that hustle culture is toxic, yet we fall for it. We convince ourselves that the harm is worth the financial reward we hope our efforts yield. We tell ourselves that playing this game is strictly based on necessity so that we can ignore the anxiety that has a permanent residence in our bodies. Before we know it, we have tied our entire identities to our to-do lists, believing that the longer those lists are, the more worthy we become. We play into the socioeconomic caste system, judging not only ourselves but anyone we deem is below us economically.
Even if you haven’t found yourself completely caught up in the obsessive nature of hustle culture, hustle culture is the norm of our industries, regardless of which industry you occupy. You may not believe that your identity is your career, but you may relate to living in a constant state of urgency, knowing that you must prove yourself daily. And like every other trait, this will differ based on your intersectionality within society.
Hating your body / Fixating on diet and wellness trends to reach “optimal” health
At this point, we know that body image and diet culture are some of the most toxic phenomena in our society. We’ve cycled through variations of the body-positive movement for about a decade now. There are many, many social media accounts, books, and coaches dedicated to helping folx recover from disordered eating habits that have plagued our culture for decades. Entertainment advertising, modeling, and clothing sizes have become much more inclusive. Make-up brands have changed their marketing and product formulas to encourage less coverage and empower us to embrace our “flawed” skin.
Yet, we still hate our bodies. With all of the inclusivity and body-positive shifts we have tried to make, we still hate our bodies. For every social media account dedicated to helping us normalize normal bodies, there are 10 more accounts dedicated to telling us that we aren’t lean, fit, or shredded enough. For every “intuitive eating” influencer, there are 10 more telling you why you need to eat strictly keto and intermittently fast to be “healthy.” We’ve traded the Atkins diet for gut health protocols. We’re bombarded by ads for wellness supplements freakishly targeted toward our deepest insecurities. (I mean, how does Instagram know that my bloated tummy has been the bane of my existence since I hit puberty?!) And, the data tells us that despite our efforts, children on social media are more insecure about their bodies today than we were during the heroin chic era of the early 2000s.
Let’s face it: we cannot body-positive our way out of a deeply entrenched anti-Black and fatphobic society. White supremacy will just continue to find new ways to fool us into believing we’ve solved the problem just so it can put on a fresh disguise when we aren’t looking.
Consumed with goal-setting, pushing yourself, and earning rest
Let me start with a disclaimer here: I’m not saying that goal-setting is bad. Please do not think that. I’m a firm believer in healthy goal-setting and working toward self-improvement in a non-obsessive, positive manner that feels right for you. There ain’t nothing wrong with a glow-up and intentional physical, mental, and emotional growth as we mature.
However, in this culture, our obsession with goal-setting stems from the foundational message “you aren’t good enough: message we are fed from childhood. Well, let me add to that: “You aren’t good enough, but if you just work hard enough, maybe one day you will be.” From the moment we are old enough to understand, society screams at us that we are not enough from every angle. We aren’t enough in school, as our value is instantly contingent upon our grade point averages, test scores, and behavior charts. The standards we are required to adhere to are rooted in all things white supremacy, which include perpetuations of patriarchy, ableism, and ageism. We aren’t enough in our homes, as our parents have received generational trauma and standards from their parents that are pushed on our innocent child selves. We aren’t enough when we look in the mirror, as society yells at us that our stomachs are too wobbly, our noses are too big or pointy, or our faces are too pimply. We aren’t enough when our lives take turns that are not revered as standard within society when we choose alternative paths, don’t finish that degree, or give our parents grandkids by age 30. We aren’t enough when we do have those kids, and every other post on social media is telling you what kind of parent you should be and that your kids will be damaged forever if you accidentally yell or give them too much screen time. Not to mention, your house should be perfectly clean and Pinterest-worthy at every moment, even while your babies are crying and you’re running on 3 hours of sleep and 3 cups of coffee. We aren’t enough if we can’t make it to Wednesday night Bible study and Thursday night soccer practice and remember the school spirit days that following week. We aren’t enough if we don’t have a side hustle bringing in 6 figures while working in corporate and raising a family. We aren’t enough if we don’t get up at 4:30a to “get ahead of the day” while the world is sleeping. You get the picture. Are you exhausted, yet?
This is the rat race of a culture that we have normalized. This is the rat race of a culture that has brainwashed us into thinking that being on a constant chase of our worthiness through perfection, urgency, denying rest, and obsessing over fixing ourselves is a good thing. And it all comes from one root — a root that can be traced back to the very beginnings of a human hierarchy based on the concept that whiteness is the ideal version of a human. And everything else that is not whiteness must submit to the authority of whiteness, become enslaved to whiteness, be exploited by whiteness, and try to become whiteness in hopes to prove the worthiness of our existence.
Whew. Exhausted? Yeah, me too. We all are. But, it doesn’t have to be this way. I firmly believe in the power we have to divest from this society and culture of white supremacy, even while we still inhabit it. We do not have to adhere to toxic standards, norms, or expections that only exist because society’s purpose is to maintain and uphold the supremacy of whiteness. We do not have to allow this falsifed, constructed belief in the gold-standard of whiteness to continue demolishing our self-worth. Now that we know where this comes from, we don’t have to fall for it anymore. We get to kick it to the curb and redefine our worthiness and our humanity regardless of what society says about us. Like I said earlier, the work starts with you.
In my book, We’ll All Be Free, I walk you through four simple, yet actionable steps you can take to break up with white supremacy culture for good and reclaim that self-worth you’ve been longing for. I’ll list them here, and if you want further explanation of each step and how to implement them, they’re in Chapter 8 of the book:
Identify the Standards You Have Normalized
Trace the Root of Each Standard
Part Ways with the Standard
Make a Game Plan and Take Action Steps
In the chapter, and throughout the book, I walk you through the various standards to look out for and show you exactly how those standards are rooted in white uspremacy. I do the heavy lifting and research for you so that all you have to do is focus on your breakthrough, healing, and dismanting activism. i use these steps myself as many times as I need to. White supremacy culture is something we will always be divesting from because it is so engrained in us. As much as I wish all it took was reading a few books on white supremacy to dismantle, it doesn’t. Much like any mental health work and healing, it is life-long work. But it work that will begin to bear fruit immediately as well as long-term. And it will never not be worth it.
We replace perfection with growth.
We replace binary thinking with embracing nuance.
We replace the pressor to perform with the joy of living.
We replace chasing something we aren’t with adoring who we are.-Caroline J. Sumlin, We’ll All Be Free