If I Throw My Dreams Away, So Will They
Why I told my girls I refuse to disappear
Yesterday, I told my daughters:
“My parents didn’t work their butts off to set me up to pursue a career beyond my wildest dreams just to be a grown woman whose entire life revolves around making lunches, chauffeuring my kids to all of their activities, and spending hours every day begging my kids to listen to me.”
I continued with:
“Don’t get me wrong—I love being your mother and I chose to stay home and educate you so you would have the best education possible. BUT, I was not put here to be only a mother and I refuse to continue letting that be my story. I will find a way to work from home and build a career I love while I homeschool you. I will make sure I’m giving myself as much attention as I give you. I will not let another decade of motherhood go by where I look up and wonder where my life went while I pour into everyone else’s life.”
There are many people who won’t agree with me telling my daughters this. There are people who will shame me and tell me that I never really wanted to be a mother, because to be a good one, you must desire to sacrifice your whole self for your children. You must want to trade your former life for the full-time job of caretaking and find complete fulfillment in it. Maybe some people will think I’m making my daughters feel guilty. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
I have a wonderful relationship with my daughters and they are old enough to handle such conversations. I have these conversations so my daughters understand that their mother is a human, just like them. That, she too, has dreams, desires, and goals, just like they do. And that a woman’s identity, life, and personhood does not pause because she became a mother.
We must stop treating motherhood like it is the only identifier a woman is allowed to have once it happens.
We must stop expecting women to desire a role of 100% caretaking and shame them if they don’t find fulfillment in that.
I believe every woman starts off as a little girl with some kind of dream that has nothing to do with marriage or motherhood. Society just tells us that this should be the only desire, or the most important desire, we have—that the best mothers “die to themselves” to realize the dreams of their children.
But what kind of example does that set? Does this really set our children up to realize their dreams as they mature? Or does it show them that they, too, must lay those down should they choose to have children?
My daughters are ambitious girls with ambitious dreams. And as of right now, they desire motherhood, too. If I throw my dreams away because of them, they will do the same when it’s their turn. All of the wonderful dreams that fill their heads now will be distant memories in a few decades if I allow my dreams to be a distant memory now.
After the conversation, they agreed to work harder on their independence so I would have more time to work during the day. This morning, they woke themselves up without my having to pull them out of bed and set goals for their routines. They were making breakfast within 15 minutes rather than the hour it normally takes. This is just one day. They are kids, and I’m sure I’ll have to remind them every evening of this conversation. But, baby steps.
Life felt smoother this morning. I finally exhaled. I got to write this reflection.
All because I spoke to my kids like they are human and so am I.
Looking for your go-to guide for breaking up with white supremacy culture? My book, We’ll All Be Free: How a Culture of White Supremacy Devalues Us and How We can Reclaim Our True Worth, is for you.